A little boy comes home from school and his mother asks him what he learned. He said he had a new teacher who taught him all about AIDS. His mother was surprised that a seven year old child would be taught this. She asked her son what his teacher had told him and he replied “She told us that it was okay to walk on the sidewalk holding hands but we have to stay away from intersections and buy condominiums.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he takes a sip, he hears a voice saying “Nice Haircut!!!” He takes another drink and hears the voice again. This time it says “Nice Tie!!!” He takes a final drink, and again he hears the voice say “Nice shoes!”. He calls over the bartender and says, “You may think I’m crazy, but every time I take a drink, I hear a voice.” The bartender says “You’re not crazy, it’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary!”
A doctor dies and finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven. There are easily 6,000 people in line being processed in. The doctor gets in line and starts talking to the person in front of him and in the conversation says “I was a doctor.” With that, the person yells out to the guard at the front of the line and says we got a doctor here! Saint Peter rushes back and says come on in… doctor’s don’t have to wait like everyone else! Just then, and old man with a long beard and flowing white gown wisks past all 6000 people in line and goes right into heaven. The fella says to Saint Peter… Who was that? Saint Peter says.. Oh that was God… he think’s he’s a doctor!
Petey was a snake, not very big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit, when his mother said, “Petey, don’t hiss in the pit. If you must hiss, go outside the pit to hiss.” So Petey went outside the pit to hiss, and was hissing all around until he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. His mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott’s pit and hiss in her pit!” Petey went over to Mrs. Pott’s pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott wasn’t home, so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott’s pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don’t hiss in my pit; go home and hiss in your own pit!”. This made Petey very sad and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home his mother saw him crying and asked, “Petey, what’s the matter?” Petey said, “I went over to Mrs. Pott’s to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott wasn’t home so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own pit and hiss. Don’t hiss in my pit!” This made Petey’s mother very angry and she cried “Why that mean old lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!”
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enought so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximately the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
A guy walks into a diner, sits down and is waiting to give his order. He looks around and sees a sign, “$500.00 CASH if we can’t fill your order!” He thinks “How can they do that? I know, I’ll get them!” The waitress comes and he says, “I want a white elephant scrotum sandwich on rye bread!” The waitress says OK and takes his order to the kitchen. A few minutes later, all hell breaks loose in the kitchen – yelling, cussing, pots and pans being thrown around, etc – sounds like the kitchen is being torn apart. Soon the owner comes out and lays 5 $100 bills on the table in front of the customer. The owner says, “Well, you got us. I have to admit though, in over 5 years of doing business, this is the FIRST time we have EVER run out of rye bread!”